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Cracking Up Over Christmas

27 Dec

Before we go any further please apply yourself to puzzling out some of the most humorous jokes you will ever come across. Ever.  Answers will be provided at the end but don’t skip the rest of the post though, let the anticipation build and then feel the buzz drain away from you as the answers are revealed at the end:

  1. On which side to most chickens have their feathers?
  2. What goes up and wobbles?
  3. What type of dog has no tail?
  4. What is green and goes to a summer camp?
  5. What’s a Grecian Urn?

After pushing back the plates of Christmas dinner, my thoughts naturally turned to blogging and it was then that I remembered a much lamented missed opportunity from last year which was to talk about Christmas crackers and the contents therein.  As is tradition around these parts, the pulling of the cracker has been an integral part of Christmas since 1847 and features a wealth of goodies to delight even the most Scroogiest of Scrooges at Christmas.

Fainty sinister example of a cracker pulling found at mediacentre.kallaway.co.uk

Faintly sinister example of a cracker pulling found at mediacentre.kallaway.co.uk

Nothing beats the smell of gunpowder of a lazy Christmas Day afternoon as is attested by the thousands of crackers that go off each year.  It is the ultimate family diversion, of little consequence but always strangely enjoyable and something not to be done without.  Those who fork out lots of money for the so-called luxury crackers with prizes worth ‘winning’ miss the point, it’s the tackiness of the whole ordeal that is so beloved of households everywhere.  For those of you not familiar with this particular treat, here’s a brief and fairly passable explanation of what it all consists of.

As ever the contents of our crackers had the typical paper hat, easily ripped by those who don’t wish to enter into the spirit of looking vaguely mental of a day, a toy of some kind which this year, instead of being singular prizes (usually either a tape measure, darts, a pen, nail clippers, plastic moustaches etc) was a set of plastic recorders and pipes.  The box informed us rather belatedly that eight of us would form an orchestra.  A ninth person roped in from who knows where would sticker everybody up and then ‘conduct’ by pointing at each person who needs to play a note (numbered stickers provided to avoid confusion).

This would eventually produce a harmonic rhapsody enough to bring tears to any passersby.  Presumably we were meant to go out and busk thereby gaining money from the sales obsessed public to invest in more crackers next year so the companies could make more devious profits…well played the lackey who thought up that cunning plan!

As well as the piece of paper with the Charades and trivia questions, by far the best thing is the jokes, I say jokes, they are pretty terrible but as I am in the giving mood, I shall share those long-awaited answers with you, feel free to groan and shake your head in mild disgust, I know I did:

  1. The outside.
  2. A Jellycopter.
  3. A hotdog.
  4. A brussel scout.
  5. Depends on what kind of work he does.
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48 Comments

Posted by on 27/12/2015 in Eccentricities, Humour, Life

 

Tags: , , , ,

48 responses to “Cracking Up Over Christmas

  1. gargoylebruce

    27/12/2015 at 22:45

    Brussel Scout! Gold! Although if it had said Jamboree instead of summer camp I probably could have guessed it myself. We had an unprecedented event at the Shelf Christmas this year – a cracker joke that NONE OF US HAD HEARD BEFORE!! Let me share it with you:

    How do you make Lady Gaga cry?
    Pok’er face!

    Best. Christmas. Ever.

    Like

     
    • Ste J

      28/12/2015 at 20:54

      That is brilliant and modern to boot. I think that that has truly made my Christmas as well. Nothing can top that and if it does well the end days will indeed be upon us.

      Liked by 1 person

       
      • gargoylebruce

        28/12/2015 at 21:58

        I’ll admit I was a little worried by such a modern joke. Surely there’s some prophecy about the end of days relating to such an occurrence.

        Like

         
  2. clarepooley33

    27/12/2015 at 23:26

    Ho ho ho! For the past few years we have been getting slightly up-market crackers with picture frames and nail-clippers but we got bored with these especially as the jokes were replaced by general knowledge questions. I decided to spend a little less this year and we were much happier with little plastic spinning tops and mystery calculators and cracking jokes. My grandmother used to call crackers bon-bons (like the name for sweets in wrappers).

    Like

     
    • Ste J

      28/12/2015 at 20:49

      There is a charm in the simple things and it is amazing how often one of those small puzzles can grab my attention to the detriment of company as I have one more attempt. A photo frame can hold a photo but that is it, a fake moustache is a disguise that leads to adventures, I know which I prefer.

      Liked by 1 person

       
  3. Jill Weatherholt

    27/12/2015 at 23:46

    I confess…I did skip to the answers, Ste J. But I did go back and read the post in its entirety. I love when the air smells of fireworks.

    Like

     
    • Ste J

      28/12/2015 at 20:37

      I hope you were, amazed, astounded and amused at the razor sharp wit displayed, I was certainly speechless.

      Liked by 1 person

       
  4. renxkyoko

    28/12/2015 at 03:22

    I got one, at least…. hotdog. ( But of course )

    Like

     
    • Ste J

      28/12/2015 at 20:35

      You do your country proud my friend!

      Like

       
  5. Lucy

    28/12/2015 at 08:18

    That’s very true, luxury crackers are pointless, just slightly more expensive junk to go up the hoover pipe on Boxing day. No one really wants a metal key ring, they want a plastic moustache. And as I have learned from the year I tried to make really nice crackers with things people wanted inside, the heavier something is the more dangerous it is when its flying across the room.

    Like

     
    • Ste J

      28/12/2015 at 21:10

      Shrapnal at Christmas always adds to the drama. Making your own is very impressive, as was avoiding the temptation to spend all year collecting the most bizarre of gifts. I trust your jokes were suitable woeful?

      Liked by 1 person

       
      • Lucy

        28/12/2015 at 23:01

        I copied the jokes from a book called ‘1001 jokes for kids’ given to me before a caravan holiday with my grandparents and brother when I was about 10. Safe to say everyone wanted to kill me by the end of the week, so perfect for crackers 😀

        Like

         
        • Ste J

          29/12/2015 at 13:49

          Why do they always add on that one extra joke? It’s as if they need to offer something extra to make it more stand out because 1000 bad jokes is not enough of a selling point. I salute your choice of joke material though.

          Liked by 1 person

           
  6. Liz Dexter

    28/12/2015 at 08:32

    You forgot the fortune-telling fish in the list of wonderful cracker contents … But I’m envious of your “orchestra”!

    Like

     
    • Ste J

      28/12/2015 at 20:39

      I realised I missed quite a lot out, my mind went to far off places once the plastic moustache was recalled! The musical bent was something new but I did find myself missing the the classic spinning top.

      Like

       
  7. Lyn

    28/12/2015 at 09:25

    You have to love Christmas cracker jokes 🙂 I didn’t answer number 2 or 4.

    Q. What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with a sheep?
    A. A woolly jumper.

    Q. What is the difference between unlawful and illegal?

    Like

     
    • Ste J

      28/12/2015 at 20:42

      Ah, a classic! I must know the difference of being unlawful and illegal…I have been thninking on that a little too much today.

      Liked by 1 person

       
      • Lyn

        28/12/2015 at 22:15

        LOL okay. Well, unlawful is against the law, and illegal is a sick bird 😀

        Like

         
  8. leapingtracks

    28/12/2015 at 09:56

    I totally adore cracker jokes! I love the naffness of them. I love trying to guess the answers. I love that most people hate them…. 🙂 One of my favourites is: What is the best ever Christmas present?

    Like

     
    • Ste J

      28/12/2015 at 20:35

      It’s a wonderful guilty pleasure, we groan and moan about them but we always have to get involved when they are on the table. What is the best ever Christmas present?

      Like

       
      • leapingtracks

        28/12/2015 at 20:49

        What’s the best Christmas present? Why, it’s a broken drum – because it can’t be beaten!!!!! 😂😫😩

        Liked by 1 person

         
        • Ste J

          28/12/2015 at 20:51

          Haha, fantastic, our society is truly richer for the gift of homour!

          Like

           
  9. Maniparna Sengupta Majumder

    29/12/2015 at 20:39

    Hehe… I guessed for #3, hotdog. But, absolutely had no idea about the others. For the last one, all I could think of was Keats’ Ode on a Grecian Urn 😀 (hope nobody is going to kill me for that)

    Like

     
    • Ste J

      02/01/2016 at 17:26

      The Grecian Urn one was my joint favourite with the chicken joke. I do love a good play on words. I will let you off with Keats today because I am really nice! Hehe.

      Liked by 1 person

       
  10. macjam47

    31/12/2015 at 01:35

    Thanks for sharing Ste J, and educating. I’ve never heard of crackers. Now I know! 🙂 Happy New Year, dear friend.

    Like

     
    • Ste J

      02/01/2016 at 16:51

      As I’ve always grown up with them I never thought it was anything but a universal tradition until I found out the shocking truth and was determined at some point to educate you deprived people’s of the wider world. My soul feels at peace now. Happy New Year to you too!

      Liked by 1 person

       
  11. Letizia

    31/12/2015 at 21:15

    haha, love the silly jokes!
    Wishing you a Happy New Year (at first I wrote ear, so I wish you a happy ear as well). I hope 2016 is full of good books and adventures!

    Like

     
    • Ste J

      02/01/2016 at 16:58

      And the same best wishes to you my friend, I am hoping for some real excitement this year and it’s only day two of the year! May your year be extremely fruitful and also contain a fair amount of fruit as well, I like consistency.

      Liked by 1 person

       
      • Letizia

        02/01/2016 at 21:17

        I had a pear yesterday and a banana today so the year has been fruitful so far!

        Like

         
  12. Resa

    01/01/2016 at 22:47

    Gaaarrroooaannn! To the answers of the riddles , of course! LOL Sonds like a good Christmas for you, hope New Year was, too!

    Like

     
    • Ste J

      02/01/2016 at 16:52

      The groaning is the best bit of Christmas dinner I assure you, it’s even better than pigs in blankets. It was a great season all round my friend, my email to your email shall be with you soon!

      Liked by 1 person

       
  13. Alastair Savage

    02/01/2016 at 09:56

    I miss the old style crackers which were composed of one single piece of paper, which the two people did actually have to rip apart to open. The modern ones which self-separate are nowhere near as fun and I always feel a bit cheated because the winner is pre-determined.
    I love that chicken joke by the way!

    Like

     
    • Ste J

      02/01/2016 at 17:11

      These days crackers like so much else are about the taking part, I always prefer something with a bit of ruff and tumble so I can actually win cheap bits of plastic, it makes me feel like a real man, especially when winning against kids.

      You have to wonder what sort of effect writing cracker jokes has on the authors, I wonder if they see the world in different ways and then make weird films about it.

      Like

       
      • Alastair Savage

        03/01/2016 at 10:26

        Maybe they get recruited through secret tests, like CIA agents?
        I always like the bit when you pull a cracker and the worthless toy flies through the air, so instead of eating Christmas lunch everyone is crawling around on their hands and knees looking for a cheap plastic frog.
        You don’t get toy soldiers any more either, have you noticed that?

        Like

         
        • Ste J

          03/01/2016 at 14:23

          I had noticed that, it is a classic staple of culture, in fact the whole of last century alone was obsessed with it. I can understand the reason why they would take them out so as not to encourage kids that war is cool but the wall to wall coverage of it, only replaces the imagination in a child’s mind.

          The hunt was always a major thing, despite knowing it was rubbish, we all have to know what bit of plastic it is, I would laugh if one day it was a contact lense, hours of fun to be had right there!

          Like

           
  14. Sherri

    09/01/2016 at 17:47

    Haha…love this, and although the smell of gunpowder has long abated, just had to read this fun and fascinating history of the amazing Christmas Cracker. When I lived in CA, I introduced my best friend to our curious Brit tradition. I was thrilled when I found an English tea shop which actually sold Brit ‘stuff’. I paid four times what the crackers would normally cost, but I didn’t care! Anything for those wonderfully corny jokes, crappy, plastic toys and of course, the paper hats. Hope your Christmas was a great one Ste…love this post 🙂

    Like

     
    • Ste J

      10/01/2016 at 13:58

      It was thoroughly wonderful my friend, I even got some time off work this year as well which was unexpected but jealously guarded when I found out lol. I don’t think anybody beats the Brits for points yet ridiculously eccentric traditions.

      Like

       
  15. RoSy

    24/01/2016 at 19:13

    #3 – Fenway
    My pooch doesn’t have a tail. He has a nub. 🐶😂

    Like

     

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